I know you also sent me a copy of your Kanopy paper. I will send comments about that one later but for this draft, here are some things to think about.
The topic is education in Egypt, is that right? The first paragraph is very general and does not do much “work” if you will in this paper. Remove it and then start from your second paragraph instead. It is ok to begin directly in something this short.
Here are some things to revise:
- The first sentence should explain the topic (education of women? girls? in Cairo or the capital and some other places? it’s unclear) and then show how it is related to culture. This is a paper focused on culture, so how does this relate to the culture of Cairo or the culture of girls there (or something else if you want)?
- You do not need to include the US government in this. Instead think about the relationship between education of girls and Cairene culture. How are they related? You have to make a connection first between these two things and then argue for it.
- You do not need to include the university names. You can delete this.
- Instead look for examples of individual women’s or girls’ stories. How does culture play a role in educational expectations or how does education affect Cairene women’s culture?
This is a good start, but it still needs more drafting. If any of my questions above are unclear, let me know and I can talk to you about them in online office hours.
I am happy to help with another draft if you want and I am sorry that it has been such a long time since I sent you feedback. I know that we discussed your topic several times after class, but I have not been able to catch up with my emails until now (and I still owe quite a few to others).